"If people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." -John Green

I kind of think that we’ve romanticized sickness.

Everything from colds to cancer, we’ve made into a battle. Fight the sickness. Stay in bed to keep up your strength. It just seems weird to me. Those are sayings that we’ve heard all our lives, ever since we got our first ear infections.

But sickness isn’t a battle. It’s a state of being, and for some, it lasts longer than it does for others. Call me heartless, but I don’t really feel bad for people who are sick. They’ve had rotten luck, obviously, but most of them haven’t done anything to earn my respect. Perhaps I just feel that way because I’ve been laying in bed for two of the past three days.

I mean, I’ve been sick with some sort of sinus infection for over a week. I was just sort of toughing it out, you know, taking my horse pills and dealing with it. On Friday, I was actually sick. Huddled in bed clutching my stomach until I had to waddle to the toilet to empty either my stomach or my bowels sick. It sucked a lot, and I lost a lot of the motivation and the forward momentum I had built up on that day.

Before my sick day, I was pumped. I was happier than I’d been in a long time. Most of my problems were no longer developing, but in a stagnant stage in which I could easily deal with them. I’d gotten into two good colleges, had good plans for the end of the semester… it was all looking good, you know?

But when you’re sick, things bother you more easily. I stopped holding everything around me up, I ceased construction on my building and now I’m too lazy to dust off the tools. It took a lot of effort to even write this blog post, something that I’ve been looking forward to! I don’t know what it’s going to take to get me moving again, but it will happen. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m open.

Because today was pretty bad. I couldn’t find any reason to leave the house. It was a beautiful day. I went outside and took pictures, then I made food and stayed on the internet all day. I didn’t talk to any of my friends unless they said something to me first.

Speaking of which, my “friends” are really making me question them lately. More and more often I get the feeling that I’m just some cheap replacement for the people they really want to talk to, that I’m just a filler. Hmmm, everyone’s at the Beta Convention this week. Maybe Stephanie will want to hang out? 

I get the feeling that’s what happened Saturday. I hung out with one of my guy friends. He’s a nice guy (albeit exceedingly arrogant), but we rarely hang out alone. In fact, I rarely hang out with anyone alone. Is that me, or is it my friends? I can’t ever tell.

Hmph. Whatever. I’m sure that this is just a little setback for me. Throughout my lethargic, self-doubting, sorta depressed, really lazy last months of my senior year, I will remain optimistic.

But god, would everything be better if I just had those damn acceptance letters.